Ace: What Asexuality Reveals About Desire, Society, and the Meaning of Sex
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Ace: What Asexuality Reveals About Desire, Society, and the Meaning of Sex By Angela Chen (read 2021)
One of the things I appreciate about reading books like this is that it continually reminds me how much of what we think is "normal" is actually cultural. I first read Ace: What Asexuality Reveals About Desire, Society, and the Meaning of Sex when it was released in 2020 for my book club. It expanded the way I think about intimacy, relationships, identity, and belonging.
While the book centers asexuality, I actually think it's about something much bigger than that. It's about the assumptions our culture makes regarding sex, attraction, romance, partnership, and what it means to live a meaningful life. Reading it challenged me to notice how often we assume that everyone experiences desire in the same way, or that they should.
And, like many of the books I've found most meaningful, it invited me to become more curious rather than more certain.
What the Book Explores
Angela Chen weaves together journalism, cultural critique, research, and personal narrative to explore a question that often goes unasked:
What happens when someone doesn't experience sexual attraction in the way society expects?
Rather than presenting asexuality as something to explain away or "fix," the book treats it as a valid human experience worthy of understanding on its own terms.
Along the way, Chen explores ideas like:
compulsory sexuality
the ace spectrum
relationships beyond traditional expectations
the difference between attraction, behavior, and identity
how culture shapes our assumptions about intimacy
the ways people create meaningful connection outside dominant narratives
Although the book focuses on asexuality, I found myself thinking about much broader questions.
How many assumptions do we carry without realizing they're assumptions?
How often do we mistake cultural expectations for universal truths?
Those questions extend far beyond sexuality.
What Stayed With Me
One of the themes I found myself returning to throughout the book was the idea that there isn't one "correct" way to experience attraction, intimacy, or relationships. That fits naturally with how I already tend to think about people and relationships.
I also have close friends and chosen family who identify as asexual, so it felt important to me to deepen my understanding of experiences that are different from my own. Reading this book wasn't just about learning more about asexuality. It also invited me to reflect on my own assumptions about sex, intimacy, attraction, and the many different ways people build meaningful relationships.
One of the things I appreciated most was how the book makes space for complexity. People vary enormously. Some people experience strong sexual attraction, some experience very little, some experience it only under particular circumstances, and some don't experience it at all. That diversity has always existed, even if our language for describing it continues to evolve.
The book also gently pushes back against the idea that there's only one "right" relationship path. (If you're familiar with the idea of the relationship escalator, you'll recognize this.) Our culture often assumes that relationships naturally progress through a familiar sequence:
Dating
Romance
Sex
Marriage
Children
For many people, that's a deeply meaningful path. But it isn't the only meaningful way to build a life.
One of the things I appreciated most about Ace is that it doesn't argue everyone should reject those traditional paths. Instead, it simply widens the conversation. It invites us to recognize that relationships, intimacy, and fulfillment can take many different forms, and that people deserve the freedom to define those things for themselves rather than feeling pressured to fit a script that may never have belonged to them.
Where This Shows Up in Therapy
As a therapist, I think one of the most important things I can do is avoid assuming that my client's experience looks like mine. That sounds obvious, but it's surprisingly easy to unconsciously absorb cultural expectations about what relationships, sex, or intimacy "should" look like.
For some clients, exploring identity means discovering they're on the ace spectrum. For others, it means realizing they're not. Sometimes it means questioning messages they've received about desire, partnership, or what they "should" want from life. Sometimes it means recognizing that nothing is wrong with them at all, they've simply been measuring themselves against expectations that were never actually theirs.
A Gentle Reflection
I don't think any single book can capture the full diversity of ace experiences. This one certainly doesn't. I know from speaking to people who identify as Ace. No community is a monolith, and no identity can be fully represented by one author or one perspective.
I found it most helpful as an invitation into a conversation rather than the final word on the topic. It offered language for experiences that are often overlooked while also encouraging readers to remain curious about the many different ways people experience intimacy, attraction, and connection, that's one of its greatest strengths.
To Learn More
If reading Ace leaves you wanting to explore further, these are a few resources I've either found helpful or have seen recommended repeatedly within ace communities.
The Invisible Orientation
Julie Sondra Decker
Often considered one of the foundational books introducing asexuality. I haven't read this one yet, but it's frequently recommended by both ace communities and professionals as an accessible introduction.
Ace Voices
Eris Young
A collection of personal stories from people across the asexual and aromantic spectrums. I haven't read this one yet either, but it's often recommended for highlighting the diversity of lived experience within the ace community.
Asexual Visibility and Education Network (AVEN)
AVEN hosts the world’s largest online asexual community and maintains an extensive archive of educational resources on asexuality.
Why it’s helpful:
Offers community connection alongside education.
Provides a wide range of articles, discussions, and definitions.
Encourages open dialogue between asexual and sexual people alike.
Scarleteen’s Asexuality Primer
Scarleteen is one of the largest and most inclusive online resources for sex and relationship education, with content that centers young people while remaining valuable for adults as well.
Why it’s helpful:
Highly accessible and easy to navigate.
Includes clear FAQs and links to additional resources.
Approaches asexuality with inclusivity, curiosity, and respect.
Personal note: I first found this website about 20 years ago. While it is marketed to teens it still holds helpful information.
New England Aces
New England Aces is a regional group supporting people on the asexual and aromantic spectrums. Their website includes an overview of Asexuality 101 and links to related resources.
Why it’s helpful:
Offers regional and community-based connection.
Provides accessible educational content for those new to asexuality.
Highlights the importance of local visibility and support.
Digging Deeper
If this post resonated with you, you might also enjoy exploring:
Identity Work – Exploring the many experiences, relationships, and stories that shape who we become.
LGBTQIA+ Affirming Therapy – Creating space for identity without assuming one "right" way to experience relationships, attraction, or belonging.
Kink-Affirming Therapy – Supporting people in exploring sexuality and relationships without shame or unnecessary assumptions.
ENM & Polyamory Therapy – Looking beyond traditional relationship scripts to find what fits you.
Culture, Power & Belonging – Reflecting on how cultural narratives influence our understanding of identity and what is considered "normal."
Narrative Therapy – Examining the stories we've inherited about love, intimacy, and ourselves.
Contact Me – If you'd like to explore any of these ideas together, I'd be happy to connect.